One of the highest qualities of a therapist is to care without judgment.
In the 1980’s a woman in her mid forties come to me for stress relief. During the treatment she told me she was having trouble with her daughter and things weren’t going well.
The difficulty was her daughter would not listen to any advice her mother would give her. She had told the daughter not to be stupid and not make the same mistakes she had made. She did not want her to make the same choices in life because she knew what would happen.
When she stopped for breath, I said, "I can see your daughter loves you". She said, "What makes you think that?" "Because she is mimicking you and she wants to be like you, she believes these are the things that made you the person she most loves and respects" I told her.
"The problem is, every time you condemn or stop her and tell her it is a mistake, you are attacking the person she most wants to emulate, YOU!" "If I was to give you advice, my advice would be to tell you to support her in her decisions, and to offer advice only if she asks for it. Remember that you are there to support her in whatever her choice and be there when she needs you. You could let her know you had tried these things and it had not worked for you, but you understand her reasons to find out."
The woman took the advice and developed a great friendship with her daughter; they are still both great friends of mine today.